I Grew Out of You

Its almost 3am in the morning and I am determined to head for the gym tomorrow with no excuses.

Pretty awkward because I suddenly thought about my ex-boyfriend. You know you don't talk about someone who has done quite a lot of damage in your life because looking back at the past feels like rubbing your hand on a scar. It doesn't hurt anymore but it brings back a lot of memories. Slowly in time, you don't think about them anymore but it doesn't mean you have forgotten about them.

I thought about how our relationship started and ended in such a short period of time. I thought about the mistakes that we made. The things that felt like it was meant to be at that time but didn't turn out the way we expected it to be. I thought that was love. Or rather 'we' thought it was love but in all reality we were honestly too young to wrap our head around such a big word.

Love. Who were we kidding right? We thought we knew exactly everything about it.

Now, looking back at it I don't really know if the damage done was really worth it. I mean, I did thank him for hurting me because if he didn't, I would probably have never decided to give people around me a chance. I would never have realized that Terry was the one. :) 

But it could have gone both ways. I could have become messed up and getting fucked up every fortnight or more by strangers that don't even know me. But I didn't. I got back up, I found my way. 

But occasionally like today, I do look back and wonder if he misses me like I do today. I do look back and wonder if he does think of me and wonder if it was all worth the hassle of going through something we called love with me. I wonder if he regretted anything he did? Because, I did. Looking back now, I feel awful for not letting him go when he wanted to go. I feel awful for guilt tripping him with responsibilities that I know for fucking sure that he wont take.

I don't know what he is doing with his life now. I am not really a big fan of the friends after a break up sort of thing. I can do that but I prefer not to because I believe that you can only truly heal after you get a clean cut. But regardless, I know for a fact that he is way happier not being in a relationship with me. Not because I'm weird, (NO, I DO NOT STALK MEN AND CALL THEM 800 TIMES.) but because two planets that collide together will meet at one point but that will happen once in many many decades or sometimes never. We collided, probably never again. But I am happy that he is out there searching for that one person that can decipher him well.