Fitting in. Something I found the hardest to do when I was in my youth days. I remember days when I tried so hard finding a position where I can fit in and feel at home. Yes, those were the days when YC was one of my priorities in life but yet I was challenged in so many ways.
Not only did I not feel at home, I felt afraid and most of the time upset because I find people rather much unfriendly. That was how I felt when I try to make friends with people there. I begin to feel as if I was just like the weed growing on the side walk. I feel as if I do not make much of a difference even if I am there or not. My presence is not appreciated. I can't find room for myself to serve because my mind is so filled with insecurities and incompetence. I cannot find confidence in myself and I feel smaller and smaller each time I hear people speak of the things they have done for God. I was blaming everything including myself because I held to that one deadly phrase " I WAS NOT GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE. "
I lived by that for quite a few years. I considered myself the algae that was stuck on the rock. Yes that rock that the wise man built his house on. I felt more like the accessories. You can be there but you don't do much of a difference. Day in day out, I'm going for Youth Church services feeling literally invisible. I know I'm in the presence of the the Lord but I just do not feel it.
My walk with God became slower and slower as well. I began to find myself losing the reason for myself to be in church. My mind kept on repeating the same thing over and over again, " Why are you going to church for if you're not happy? Why are you still there every week when YOU'RE NOT GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE the Lord? Why stay and waste your time every week when you can do so much more with the time you have? "
Can you imagine I actually felt spending time in church worshiping God was a waste of my time? Not too long after I quit going for the services. I just gave up with whatever that I was coping within those few years. I still go to church on Sundays but I'm not involve with anything.
It did felt good for a while but not for long because when your parents find out you're neither here nor there, they will automatically nag you hopefully you would go because of their nags. At that moment I thought I could ignore it all. Just give it a few weeks or months maybe things will just die down and leave me alone.
But no, God never forgets his lost lamb. Not even one. My parents begun telling me about other ministries that I can join. Of course I was utterly disgusted at the sound of it. My mind goes " There, more nonsense and a waste of time." I knew in my heart, that I am hurt but I wasn't in the mood to get well. I was actually quite happy drowning myself in misery. Quite embarrassing but that was how I truly felt.
God never lets his child drown in misery I guess. Or rather I should say He didn't let me drown for long. Mom came nagging again. HAHA! It was so bad to the extend that I finally sat up and start thinking of the problem. The question was "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I kept thinking and thinking, fighting and contradicting to myself in every way I can and finally admitting that the problem was not completely theirs but mine. I was the person unwilling and too afraid to serve. I was the person who was too afraid to speak up. They cannot see me not because I'm not there but because I do not want to be seen. I cannot fit in not because they are not friendly but because I don't give myself the opportunity to fit in. I do not feel accepted not because they do not accept me but because I do not want to accept them. The problem is ME. I was too much of a butt moosh not them. I could have happily befriend other people, why must I be upset over that minority of unfriendly people?
I thank God everyday for having my mom nag so much about my walk with Him. If it wasn't because of her agitating nagging, I wouldn't have gotten my relationship with God sorted out.
I left YC anyways. Not because I cannot fit in but because there were some technical errors that happened in between time where I hit my head on the windscreen of a car in an accident. I could have died but God saved me. He offered me to serve somewhere else. Being that grateful child who had terribly sinned so badly, I obeyed.
Moral of the story is, stop blaming other people because you cannot fit in. It is true, you cannot fit in. No lie and true fact. BUT! You must learn to accept the differences in each and everyone. Meaning, you don't have to fit in with EVERYONE. If you're an apple just stay being an apple. The rest of the apples will hang out with you. Don't try being an orange when you're an apple because you are not made that way and you can never be an orange. Do your part and the rest leave it to God. Do not use people around you as a motivation to serve. They can put you down and wear you out very quickly. Ask God. Ask him what he wants you to do. If he doesn't answer then wait. Sometimes you just have to learn it the hard way so take it easy.
Love,
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