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The Fear in Me

Have you ever felt as if you are repeating the same mistakes as you did before again? Right now, I feel as such and I am very afraid. Tonight is the first night I'm losing my sleep. My energy is driven by pure fear and I'm lost. The scars really does show even when the days have gone by.

Recently, Hoong has started being busy and his schedule has begun getting more and more hectic. I totally understand it but I'm finding myself getting more and more typical. Trying hard to stop myself from thinking of the depressing but I find myself slipping away from his mind. He's busy but he has time for games and he goes missing for long hours. For some reason, I find myself repeating the same mistakes I did previously. Begin giving in, then begin giving in more, sacrifice more and lastly getting wounded so badly. I'm scared because I find myself waiting for him to reappear in my phone. I find myself thinking about him and mostly I find myself very typical. 

I seem to have lost my charm every time I become typical. I do try but I give in. Just like how I did previously. I gave in. I know this even sounds more stupider is that fear of the day where he would tell me the exact same thing I have heard before. I know its very ridiculous to fear of the same thing with different people but each time he tells me he loves me or even makes an effort to call me to tell me how much he misses me, I feel that I am one step closer to the same result again. 

I understand I can survive if the day comes and I have nothing much to lose but I am scared. I don't want to feel that feeling again. Each time I think of the days where I spent drowning myself in tears on my bed I feel like crying and I am traumatized I know. I understand that not everyone is the same but that feeling just overwhelms me a little bit too much. I can't turn to him about my feelings without him thinking I'm probably crazy even when he is my best friend. It frustrates me because no one can help me except myself. People can sympathize but no one can truly understand how fearful I am right now. 

This is all making me sound so weak but bear with me please. I have no one to turn to. I can't tell anyone nor can I do anything to help myself apart from writing. At least something comes out somewhere. Haiz.. I hate this typical side of me.

I really need to pick myself up again so I can take control of my own feelings. I need this reality check. 

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