Mama Wong,Papa Wong and my sister had breakfast together today morning. Such a wonder Saturday morning for me but as soon as the career talk came by it started all loud and serious. Papa Wong and my sister started telling me about their job as an Insurance Broker and an Insurance Agent. I wanted to know more about it because I am seeing myself stumbling away from what I truly want to do. To be a surgeon.
I guess I should say I really don't want to grow up because growing up is the time where you must wake up from you dream and realise that maybe you are really not capable to do what you really want to do. Maybe you really cannot be what you dream of no matter how hard you tried. I am stressed, afraid, worried and sad. I guess that is the main reason why most adults used to tell me to enjoy my childhood as much as I can.
Mama Wong told me that in her eyes all I do is use the computer, sleep and eat. Honestly that hurts me but that doesn't hurt so much anymore. I don't blame her because she doesn't see me studying until late nights, crying because I cannot understand certain things that I have learnt, doing the exact same question for hours but don't get it and looking at the clock at night not able to go to bed soundly. I can't tell her exactly how I feel because I don't think she understands how I feel. I don't think she remembers how her days were when she was studying because maybe back then she didn't expect much from herself. Or maybe she didn't dream as hard as I did.
I don't think there was anytime of the year that she actually told me that I could. All I remember her say was if I can't then I just get a job like my sisters and if I can't do as well then she would not even waste her hard earned money on my dreams. Then being the emotional me would feel so sad and would cry herself to bed because she is so worried that she cannot make it. Then she would ask me how did those Aunty's children get so many As? And all I remember doing was just meekly accept that my dreams are coming to an end.
Countless times I asked her if she would want to sit with me and accompany me study and all I got was TV programme excuses. With my results right now, I don't think I can make it. With all these stress and fear thinking I can't make it , I feel that it will come to reality. Why am I always fighting the battle alone? Where is my God? Why do I not feel at ease? Why do I fear so much?? Why am I so affected by what she says? When am I going to grow up and walk pass all of them? Am I going to make it without my mother's support? Why am I still so scared?
I guess I should say I really don't want to grow up because growing up is the time where you must wake up from you dream and realise that maybe you are really not capable to do what you really want to do. Maybe you really cannot be what you dream of no matter how hard you tried. I am stressed, afraid, worried and sad. I guess that is the main reason why most adults used to tell me to enjoy my childhood as much as I can.
Mama Wong told me that in her eyes all I do is use the computer, sleep and eat. Honestly that hurts me but that doesn't hurt so much anymore. I don't blame her because she doesn't see me studying until late nights, crying because I cannot understand certain things that I have learnt, doing the exact same question for hours but don't get it and looking at the clock at night not able to go to bed soundly. I can't tell her exactly how I feel because I don't think she understands how I feel. I don't think she remembers how her days were when she was studying because maybe back then she didn't expect much from herself. Or maybe she didn't dream as hard as I did.
I don't think there was anytime of the year that she actually told me that I could. All I remember her say was if I can't then I just get a job like my sisters and if I can't do as well then she would not even waste her hard earned money on my dreams. Then being the emotional me would feel so sad and would cry herself to bed because she is so worried that she cannot make it. Then she would ask me how did those Aunty's children get so many As? And all I remember doing was just meekly accept that my dreams are coming to an end.
Countless times I asked her if she would want to sit with me and accompany me study and all I got was TV programme excuses. With my results right now, I don't think I can make it. With all these stress and fear thinking I can't make it , I feel that it will come to reality. Why am I always fighting the battle alone? Where is my God? Why do I not feel at ease? Why do I fear so much?? Why am I so affected by what she says? When am I going to grow up and walk pass all of them? Am I going to make it without my mother's support? Why am I still so scared?
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